I've decided to go exclusively tumblr.
I'll just fight to give mine substance.
Hypocrisy fail

Hunger and Chaos

The walls, they bleed red
And prove what I said
That fear has now formed a jail in your head
And with the clock's chime
Beats loosen from rhyme
And the lyrics, they lose all set meaning

But with stoic stare
You render what's there
The frailty you hide with each breath of air
It all serves to prove
Compulsion to soothe
That failed amidst the hunger and chaos

Crack a smile, split a lip
And end up bleeding like you do

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to
Laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
Cause boys don't cry

Are you kidding me?

I have...
Lesson plans to be making
Exercise I'm obligated to do
A permit test to be studying for
A fucked up relationship that needs ending
A friendship that is a mirror image of one of the biggest mistakes of my life
Three summer reading books I need to read
Essays and study guides that need to be completed
A flight that I need to book
Shuttle arrangements I need to make
A birthday present to finish
Plenty of chores that need doing
Friends with problems they need help with
2 speeches that I have to finish writing
About a dozen different articles I have to read
Multiple video debates I have to take notes on
And a hundred other obligations

I'm stressed, sleep deprived, upset, drained
So if you're here to help, fantastic.
Otherwise,
Give me some fucking space

The longer you think, the less you know what to do

A spider's web, a hammock of sorts
Names aside, there's no release
A tempting comfort killed by anticipation
A coffin lined with bloodied fleece
Sleep traded for nightmares
Routines for unmet obligations

I'm beginning to think that nothing ought to be built up
Because nothing kills quite like failed expectations

I'm sorry, I'm trying
But in reality, intention can never be enough

A letter to You

Hello.
We haven't talked in awhile.
It's because I do my best to never contact you first.
Just my way of trying to convince both myself and You that I don't want anything to do with you.
But I both think we know that's not true.
Although, when we do talk, I like to take as many stabs at you as I can.
It's not difficult.
You are, after all, pathetic.
So then why can't I avoid you?
You're not a particularly attractive person, inside or out.
I suppose my options are just limited.
But I refuse to let that justify me being okay with the things You've done.
You've manipulated me.
You've used me.
You've toyed with me.
But I was using You too, all along.
To disguise my own emptiness
To use You as a crutch.
And I'm writing this now to let you know that I will not any longer
I'm done, and I'm here to say goodbye to not only You, but the thought of You
Which has kept me company far more often than You have.
You'll get your book back.
I'll get that stupid bag.
And then You'll go to West Virginia and I will pretend like we never met.
Because we never did meet.

When I see You, I won't regret the past.
Because I needed to know that I deserve better than
You

It hurts me tremendously

That I would have to ask

Fright

A blow softened with regret
That wraps you in ribbon
While the water washes off the blood
The petals will continue to fall
Littering your feet
And the water will keep rising
But you'll still breathe
It's necessity, not obligation that binds you
And I refuse to get up and leave

Today

I broke a promise
And now I need to know that you're still there
That we're still there

She broke a promise
She won't bother checking to see if we're still there
Because she knows the answer already
But she refuses to recognize the damage she's done

I'm going to spend today with three simple objectives
1. Write a letter to Savannah.
2. Make Saira's mix CD
3. Paint my sister's shoes

I will spend almost all of my time on the first
Because it is by far the most important
And it always will be

I hate school
I'll hate summer
I hate people
And people hate me

Words mean nothing

I need a break, this is a break
A shallow game of give and take
My fingers scrape along each wall
Begging my lost tears to return
To wet my cracking face
But they remain on the bleeding knees of yesterday
They read "weak"
And reek of last May

Times were never simple
I lied, I try
And here, again, I lay sobbing on the floor
A cruel reminder of my closing door

No, Dad, I didn't need anything from the store

I needed more, I still need more

Rather than sleep, I thought I'd try my hand at a butterfly cinquain

Broken
Beaten by doubt
Let down at your cruel hand
Now my identity is pain
And fear
It is laced with an endless guilt
That the fault is my own
I should have been
Enough

May 22, 2010

Summer will bring happiness
It will bring ice cream, gelato, whichever
It will bring the park, weird boutiques, time, art, health, strength, time, freedom, time, time, time
That's all we ever needed

*Ahem*

Look inside,
Look inside your tiny mind
Now look a bit harder
Cause we're so uninspired,
so sick and tired of all the
hatred you harbor

So you say
It's not okay to be gay
Well I think you're just evil
You're just some racist who
can't tie my laces
Your point of view is medieval

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
Cause we hate what you do
And we hate your whole crew
So please don't stay in touch

Fuck you
Fuck you very, very much
Cause your words don't translate
And it's getting quite late
So please don't stay in touch

Do you get,
Do you get a little kick out of
being slow minded?
You want to be like your father
It's approval your after
Well that's not how you find it

Do you,
Do you really enjoy living a
life that's so hateful?
Cause there's a hole where
your soul should be
Your losing control of it and
it's really distasteful


You say
You think we need to go to war
well you're already in one
Cause it's people like you
who need to get slew
No one wants your opinion

Love ya KV!

- Jack

Until it brings me to a Stop

And I'll take it in Stride

I have to say,

Cats would love birds if they understood what they truly were

May 2, 2010

To see if you're still there
To see if we're ALL there

...

This world is not a place for him,
Not for one as small as he

The Twenty-third

These weighted glances strike at my core,
Resounding out to angst ridden fingers,
Reaching to make contact, but grasping at air
They fly up, away, and down again
Coming to rest on furrowed brows hat remind me of my absence in your thoughts
I close my eyes, and wrap myself within the sinews and knots of my own heart,
Fashioning a cocoon that I can only hope will someday be

Untangled

http://saraholeksyk.com/loneliness.html

I'm getting over THAT
I'm connecting
Spinning a web that binds me to those who want it
And this time, I'm not caught
I've never been more free

Today

I closed my eyes
We were supposed to visualize what we had done that day, and reflect on it
But I saw
Mackenzie, Savannah, Saskia
Saskia, Mackenzie, Savannah
Savannah, Saskia, Mackenzie
I saw teal and purple sweaters
Bright yellow sunglasses
Old converse
Long hair
Eating candy in the sun
I saw you all laughing
And sitting on a table
Jones
Izzy
I saw extreme bean
Aviators
Skinny jeans
I saw happiness
And yes, my highs now are higher than they've ever been.
My lows, less frequent
But frightening nevertheless.
But the three of you will always be my anchor
In reality
In the present
In nostalgia, but not obsession

In happy

Happy? Ha.

I fall to the floor
In a Technicolor swirl
Much more dramatic than
The truth
The slow crumble

The hollows within echo
Screaming, resounding
"Away, away, away"
Scaring off the few that stayed

I'm left alone to sulk
Wrapping myself up
In brightly colored scraps
Look at them
No deeper

They won't fade
But I will
Until all that’s left
Is a fluorescent tombstone
No recognition or name
Just an afterglow

Kicking

I've never felt so much like a child.
Kicking, screaming
Reckless and careless
I make more mistakes then ever
Neglect things I shouldn't
I think just as much
But with a fresh perspective
So while it may seem like I'm slipping,
I've never been
HAPPIER

Do it

Laugh at me
Call me boring
Call me weird
Ignore me
Stare
I'll drown you out with music
and
I'll be happy

11:13

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord that I might keep
An ounce of sanity til I wake
Until the morning dawn does break

I can't

I don't write on here

Or in my journal

I don't read your journals

And I don't write letters about the truth

Because I'm afraid of what I'll find

Thrice

The three of you make me smile

I'm far too obsessed with my dreams

Whatever

These mood swings are driving me insane
Even if I were constantly depressed
I would prefer its regularity to this
I just want to be able to sleep
Yet nothing's stopping me now and for some reason I won't.
I think I'm just trying to put off tomorrow
And why not?
Nothing good will come of it

I'm sick of this up and down
They each make the other feel insincere and shallow
And the whole thing is making me nauseous

I just want to walk to school, listen to music I never liked all that much, stop for some coffee, and spend all day with a bleak look on my face
I want the gray back

Tick, tick, tick

Every day I dodge the sharp teeth
Of these larger-than-life gears
That slowly churn out boxes one after another
Each like the last
A 3-D image
A pale comparison of anything real
Not even solid enough to be considered plastic

Never have I experienced such hatred, such pity
Your smiles will never carry anything behind the teeth
And your words only serve as proof of just how empty you are
So laugh, joke, have a blast
You'll never get anywhere
Just continue on the treadmill until your time runs out
And a new box is churned out, identical to you
With each of your cliche problems,
With your standard features
And lack of personality
So laugh, joke, have a blast

I'll watch from the sidelines, if you don't mind

No, no

Disregard my bipolar ramblings
I'm fine, I'm good. I'm fine.
I'm fine.
Really
I'm fixing this
And you know what?
Today, I smiled as I walked through school.
That may just be a first for me.

I'm done trying to make this work

Because I simply can't
Everything around me has turned to shit
And what makes it scarier
Is realizing it has never been much better
7th grade
I enjoyed 7th grade
But ever since then I've hit a wall
I just can't be happy
It's just not who I am
And it's not my conditions
It's not the people around me
It's just ME.
And there's no way to fix it

Well

Through the clover and thorns
I can still see that sun
I'll fight my way through
I'll help myself
I'll be independent
I'll be strong
I'll be everything I promised
And I'll be happy


I just want to be happy

It's amazing

There's so much symbolism in the things we do
Absentmindedly

0

Things are starting over.
Things just aren't as they should be.
And I just can't wake up from this
But I'm fine, happy and fine
Reducing dependence never hurt quite like this before
And yet I can't seem to get a grip
Or see things changing anytime soon

"No one said it would be easy, but they said it would be worth it"
It's never been more true

31

11:13 will always be responsible
For the things in my life that make it interesting

30

Fuck.
Fuck inhibitions.
To hell with my insecurities.
I'm done whining, I'm done moping.
I'm going to fix things.
I'm going to repair these fraying friendships.
I'll stop zoning out every time I'm afraid.
I'll take responsibility.
I'll be rational.
And I'll make things right.
I'm done letting chance carve out my path.

29

I fear your pity now

28

This slow burn is rendering me incapable of any sort of pity
He's a liar
She's a hypocrite
They're fake as can be
And the rest just don't care
I'm beginning to think everyone gets exactly what they deserve
And that scares me because on some level I know that's nonsense
And yet the feeling is stuck
I need some free time and some medication
I need a break and I need a nap
I need to let go of the glare that I hide behind
And find a home outside of myself

27

You have your blue
And you, you have your purple
You have your green
And I will forever be stuck in this gray

26

I'm beginning to think independence is just a thin mask that isolation hides behind

25

I sink between sips
That drift past my lips
To a pit with no ending to see
And I've longed to be one, who relaxes in sun
But that's simply not who I'm to be

24

I've never really had a day dream before
And I always thought it was just a made up concept
Because you always have control when you're conscious, right?

But I had one today... and it was weird.
It feels like you no longer have control over your imagination.
It's definitely not pleasant.

Anyway, so I was sitting by some stairs and this was what I dreamed:
A cat came down the stairs, and jumped into my lap.
It stared at me and smiled.
I followed it across campus and down some stairs so we were underground.
We went through a gate and into a garden.
It was beautiful and the three of you were standing there.
I walked over to you and reached out, but you all turned to ash.
Then, fire came from my right, and water from my left.
They collided and created a man.
He struck me to the ground.
The blades of grass around me grew and wound round my arms.
Vines with thorns twisted and tore at my legs.
Clover grew across my face, leaving me in darkness,
And I slowly felt myself sink farther and farther into the ground.

23

Things are easy and nonsensical
With ramblings and running down hallways
With planning and joking
And sometimes I wonder
If I created my own hell
Out of a place that wasn't half bad....
I'll appreciate it this go-around
Redemption here I come

22

I would trade my happiness for your despair.
I would return to the worst of eighth grade to get you out of this pit.
I wish you knew that.

21

I had a dream
Where you asked me to go to the garden
You asked me to pick a poisonous mushroom for you to eat
And I did just that

20

The Vast Differences Between You, Me, Them, and Myself.

19

You know,
Maybe I had it wrong all this time
And maybe now I'm finally where I should be.
Where I'm in a place where my friendship cannot be condescending.
And in a place where I'm not well-known.
In a place where I have no image to keep up with.
Rather, I just have me. With no memories or first-impressions.
So change may not be easy, but it's certainly easier.
And I can't ride on the coat-tails of the person I used to be.
Maybe it's now that I will finally figure out where I'm supposed to be and where I want to be.
And maybe it's now that I can finally be independently happy.
This isn't a goodbye to past selves and past connections.
Rather, I'm just refreshing the page.

Focusing,
Focused.
Healing,
Healed.
Rebuilding,
Rebuilt.
It's time to grow.

Focusing,
Focused.
Healing,
Healed.
Rebuilding,
Rebuilt.
It's time to grow.

18

Novelty: noun. something that provides often fleeting amusement.

17

Me thinks my blog could use some sanity.
It's a completely one sided view of my life at the moment.
So... that's something to work on.
AKA something that will never get done.

16

This week will NOT be pretty

15

My dream from Friday night:

I'm standing in the dark parking lot of a strip mall, outside of a supermarket.
I see Saskia approaching, listening to her iPod.
Soon I can hear Sleepyhead playing through the earbuds.
She tells me that her dad is the singer from Passion Pit,
And that he's never around.

Cut to:

I'm standing in the supermarket with my sister.
I look and see a can of some french food made by a company I haven't seen before.
I know that the head of that company is my "dad".
Enraged that he, like Saskia's "dad", is never around, I begin smashing the cans.
I run out, leaving my sister behind.
The second I leave, I hear wind chimes, and remember my sister is still in there.
I run in as she's being yelled at by the manager, and I take responsibility.

Cut to:

I'm back in the parking lot alone.
A man approaches me, chanting and reaching out.
I try to back away but before I know it, he knocks me to the asphalt.

Cut to:
A van-gogh style painting that moves of an egg with three red pegs pressing on it.
One on each side and one from below.
I feel as if I'm the egg. I feel the pressure from the pegs.
I also feel as if I'm the pegs, and as if they're spring loaded.
It becomes tiring to hold them back so they don't crush the egg.
I finally let go.
The pegs burst into the egg and I feel a brief moment of extreme pain followed by numbness.

Cut to:
A simplistic picasso-esque cartoon of a blonde woman that moves.
She begins speaking french as her hair falls around her face, moving like worms.
It zooms out and she begins to dance

14

I've got to be Hannah, not Angela.
Hannah, not Angela.
Just NOT Angela.

Both were sick and sad,
But one was pathetic to top it off

13

I like...

to spend hours on facebook looking at photos, and pretending that strangers are my friends

to read everyone's posts on facebook and blogger, and pretend that they were written with me in mind

to make eye contact with strangers, and pretend they had been watching me

to stay quiet in class, and fake that I know what's going on

to read past notes and yearbook signatures, and lie to myself that everyone else still remembers me

to pretend that others were just busy, and that's why they didn't stay in touch

to walk around pretending I'm happy and in control

But sometimes, I just like to lie on the ground, and let the weight of the realism crush me, purely just to punish myself for living in a fantasy

12

You came to be my Eden
My fated promised land
And we swore we’d stay together
As we lay in sun-bleached sand

We shared those precious moments
In retrospect, so few
But they couldn’t stay, soon they faded away
Leaving pain and guilt in lieu

And so I’ll lie amongst the flowers
Sink beneath them and blend in
I’ll pretend to be as pure as they are
And bleach away my sin

I’ll wait until you beckon
Crouching at your feet
But if I live in delay, I’ll wither away
A plant strangled by the heat

11

Scratch that.
I'm ready now, and hell, I'm stronger than ever

10

I'm calling a retreat.
I'll be back out and ready to fight soon enough

9

I put on a smile
I walk around, I joke around
I smile and wave
I pretend to have interests
Or to be interested in anything there
I nod, I say hello
I go home
I break down
I struggle to sleep.
I wake up exhausted
I wipe my face clean
And I put on a smile

8

Meet me,
Build me up,
Fuck with me,
And then toss me aside.

It wasn't my doing the first time.
But now?
I'm not your toy
It's just my escape back into the shadows.
It's much easier to be a nobody
Than to be THAT somebody.
And I have to say that I have no regrets.
Not this time

7

We're limited by our fears
That are created by our limitations

I won't pretend that I know how to fix your problems
Or that I even know what they are
But I can tell you this...

If you let your fears stop you
From doing what needs to be done
And saying what needs to be said to those you love
Then you will end up alone even when surrounded by friends

If you keep others out
Because of past wounds
Then those wounds will never be healed

And if you constantly are looking for things to fix and change
Then you'll become blind to what was good all along

6

I'm far too scarred to be a newborn.
But I'm more raw than ever.
I shed my skin daily,
Not by choice, rather out of fear.
If you don't stay still, you can't get caught.
If you don't get caught, then no one can hurt you.
And if anything, that's the one thing I vowed I wouldn't let happen.
And sure enough, the second I let my guard down, my past was upon me.
So I'll keep stumbling blindly towards the horizon.
I may never reach it, but I'll lie to myself.
I'll tell myself that happiness is right there.
Just one more step....
And you'll be there...
Just make it to the weekend
Just make it to the week
Just make it to break
Just make it past lunch
Each checkpoint warrants no reward, just another weak goal instead.

Break down
Rebuild
Retry

Just the same old song and dance

5

Anxiety is all I've been reduced to.
A stumbling, bumbling, taped together mass of anxiety.
I don't expect them to recognize it.
It's not as if any of them know me to begin with.
Really.
Ask any of them to describe Jack and they'd spew generic personality traits that anyone has.
Ask them about my past and some of them might remember that I went to public school. And that's where the recognition ends.
But why should they know? They can't read minds.
But then again, I'm not going to run around displaying my past on a billboard.
They'd run
And I would too if I were them.

"'cause I know I'm a mess they don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love"

Fiona Apple

4

Well the whole journal thing isn't working out.
So I've decided that I'm going to go solely blogger.
Meaning I'm going to commit a lot more time to it.
Once a day

3

I'm falling apart.
I really am.
This chair had four legs but is now tottering on one.
I'm about to take a tumble.

2

New year, new title?
Sure.
It wasn't meant to be ambiguous.
It's just a reference.
I challenge someone to figure out what exactly that is.

1

Shiny new toys lose their gleam oh so quickly.

And all your left with is the cold hard steel

Rain's picking up and they should be rusting soon.

I'd help but I'm every bit as broken as you.

My words ricochet and reverberate.

No more escapable than the past.

Because despite what I do, I cling to it dearly.

Holding it as the one distinction between me and them.

Before, I saw people as pools

With a never ending depth and beauty

But now they're all just puddles

Great for a splash then they're gone.

People always say that if they could go back, they'd do things differently.

But I think they're wrong.

I don't think the option exists.

Rather, when presented with the same situation, I seem to have become locked into old decisions.

My new life permeated by the old one.

But now all I can see is their face.

Broken because of the path I took and am stuck on now.

But now they look quite different now.

Maybe that's enough to hope that the outcome will somehow be different.

While my thoughts used to flow out, smooth and meaningful

They seem to have changed into this pattern of hitting me in fragments

Her face, his face, my decision, her, my guilt, my secret, their judgement, my pain, and the time before all of that.

My blog seems no more immune than my thoughts.

New purpose?

Ha