11

Scratch that.
I'm ready now, and hell, I'm stronger than ever

10

I'm calling a retreat.
I'll be back out and ready to fight soon enough

9

I put on a smile
I walk around, I joke around
I smile and wave
I pretend to have interests
Or to be interested in anything there
I nod, I say hello
I go home
I break down
I struggle to sleep.
I wake up exhausted
I wipe my face clean
And I put on a smile

8

Meet me,
Build me up,
Fuck with me,
And then toss me aside.

It wasn't my doing the first time.
But now?
I'm not your toy
It's just my escape back into the shadows.
It's much easier to be a nobody
Than to be THAT somebody.
And I have to say that I have no regrets.
Not this time

7

We're limited by our fears
That are created by our limitations

I won't pretend that I know how to fix your problems
Or that I even know what they are
But I can tell you this...

If you let your fears stop you
From doing what needs to be done
And saying what needs to be said to those you love
Then you will end up alone even when surrounded by friends

If you keep others out
Because of past wounds
Then those wounds will never be healed

And if you constantly are looking for things to fix and change
Then you'll become blind to what was good all along

6

I'm far too scarred to be a newborn.
But I'm more raw than ever.
I shed my skin daily,
Not by choice, rather out of fear.
If you don't stay still, you can't get caught.
If you don't get caught, then no one can hurt you.
And if anything, that's the one thing I vowed I wouldn't let happen.
And sure enough, the second I let my guard down, my past was upon me.
So I'll keep stumbling blindly towards the horizon.
I may never reach it, but I'll lie to myself.
I'll tell myself that happiness is right there.
Just one more step....
And you'll be there...
Just make it to the weekend
Just make it to the week
Just make it to break
Just make it past lunch
Each checkpoint warrants no reward, just another weak goal instead.

Break down
Rebuild
Retry

Just the same old song and dance

5

Anxiety is all I've been reduced to.
A stumbling, bumbling, taped together mass of anxiety.
I don't expect them to recognize it.
It's not as if any of them know me to begin with.
Really.
Ask any of them to describe Jack and they'd spew generic personality traits that anyone has.
Ask them about my past and some of them might remember that I went to public school. And that's where the recognition ends.
But why should they know? They can't read minds.
But then again, I'm not going to run around displaying my past on a billboard.
They'd run
And I would too if I were them.

"'cause I know I'm a mess they don't wanna clean up
I got to fold 'cause these hands are too shaky to hold
Hunger hurts, but starving works, when it costs too much to love"

Fiona Apple

4

Well the whole journal thing isn't working out.
So I've decided that I'm going to go solely blogger.
Meaning I'm going to commit a lot more time to it.
Once a day

3

I'm falling apart.
I really am.
This chair had four legs but is now tottering on one.
I'm about to take a tumble.

2

New year, new title?
Sure.
It wasn't meant to be ambiguous.
It's just a reference.
I challenge someone to figure out what exactly that is.

1

Shiny new toys lose their gleam oh so quickly.

And all your left with is the cold hard steel

Rain's picking up and they should be rusting soon.

I'd help but I'm every bit as broken as you.

My words ricochet and reverberate.

No more escapable than the past.

Because despite what I do, I cling to it dearly.

Holding it as the one distinction between me and them.

Before, I saw people as pools

With a never ending depth and beauty

But now they're all just puddles

Great for a splash then they're gone.

People always say that if they could go back, they'd do things differently.

But I think they're wrong.

I don't think the option exists.

Rather, when presented with the same situation, I seem to have become locked into old decisions.

My new life permeated by the old one.

But now all I can see is their face.

Broken because of the path I took and am stuck on now.

But now they look quite different now.

Maybe that's enough to hope that the outcome will somehow be different.

While my thoughts used to flow out, smooth and meaningful

They seem to have changed into this pattern of hitting me in fragments

Her face, his face, my decision, her, my guilt, my secret, their judgement, my pain, and the time before all of that.

My blog seems no more immune than my thoughts.

New purpose?

Ha